It's Monday morning and I am absolutely exhausted. No, it's not from running errands all day on Saturday or an overly boozy brunch on Sunday (though I'm sure those didn't help). It's because I had to stay up until 2 a.m. watching all the damn television shows that are on Sunday nights. Seriously, Sunday, you need to stop acting like you're the crazy lady with rollers in her hair on the latest episode of Hoarders, crushing us under the weight of your insane glut of quality television. Seriously, knock it off.
Let's just take a look at what was on television last night. Of course there was the highly anticipated season 2 premiere of Game of Thrones, a new episode of critics' darling Mad Men, the two-hour second season premiere of everyone's least favorite ex-boyfriend The Killing, a new episode of 12-year-old Brian's favorite show Once Upon a Time, and don't forget The Real Housewives of Atlanta over on Bravo, and the so-trippy-you-have-to-watch Frozen Planet on PBS. Thank god there was Taylor Swift, Carrie Underwood, and a Bunch of People I Don't Know (otherwise known as the Country Music Awards), on CBS because there was no room for The Good Wife. There was also no room on my precisely stratified and highly orchestrated DVR arrangement for three hours of Celebrity Apprentice. (Three hours, Donald? On Sunday? First of all that's more bloated than Clay Aiken - or the newly fat Betty Draper for that matter - second of all, it's Sunday. We don't have time to stare at the honeycomb formation on your head for three hours!) Then there are those people that watch Shameless, which had its season finale last night. I've never been one of those people, and thank God, because there are just not enough hours in the day.
And it's about to get worse. Showtime has made the massive miscalculation to move Nurse Jackie and The Big C to Sundays starting April 8. Looks like I'm finally dropping those hit-or-miss dramedies from my must-watch list. Lena Dunham's hip girls in paradise (a.k.a. Brooklyn) comedy will start making things even more complicated on April 15. Good thing it will be on demand the follow day. I'm sorry, but Sunday is closed. There are no vacancies. We are not accepting reservations.
There is just no more room on Sunday. And how did the Sabbath become so unholy in the first place? I blame HBO, which started to stack the night with all their quality original programming at the turn of the millennium with a few shows you've never heard of like The Sopranos, Sex and the City, and Six Feet Under. AMC - which isn't TV or HBO, but some new fancy-pants hybrid - followed suit and now even the networks are getting into the game. Every show is just fighting it out on Sunday.
Some of these shows aren't really what I would consider Sunday night material. Yes, many people are at home watching TV and getting ready for their work week to start again. That's why the night is so packed: a glut of ready and willing viewers. But when I'm sitting at home anxious about being just another malcontent office drone for another week, the last thing I need is a show like Mad Men about the existential dread of being a malcontent office drone. There isn't enough mid-century modern furniture in the world to make me feel better. Same with The Walking Dead, which just ended its Sunday night reign of nightmare-inducing terror or the psychopathic meth addicts on Sunday staple Breaking Bad. Trifles like Downton Abbey, Once Upon a Time, or the Real Housewives of South Bend, Indiana are great for relaxing you before the Cathy mug terror of Monday morning sets in, but some of these other shows just make the week's bluest night even bluer.
Sunday, we know it's not your fault that you have enough water cooler fodder for a whole week of office chatter. It's the networks who set you up like this. But don't they know that they're not only killing Monday morning productivity, but their own ratings as well? We'd watch all of these, we really would, if only it was humanly and technologically capable. It's time to spread them out. Doesn't Tuesday need good television too? What about poor, neglected Friday and Saturday? It's like these execs don't watch Hoarders. We know what happens when a house gets too full of great stuff. Eventually a cat is suffocated to death. That is what is happening to all of us on Sunday, a slow, awful suffocation by great television.