""A lot of old people have chlamydia,"" proclaims Leslie Knope, and the fourth episode of Parks and Recreation's fifth season is off and running. There is an outbreak of Sexually Transmitted Diseases running rampant in Pawnee's elderly population, and Leslie and the gang are on operation Wrap it Up. But will Marcia and Marshall Langman's insistence on abstinence only sex education stand in their way? Only time (approximately 30 minutes) will tell. Add in a dash of Tom's Internet addiction and Ben's robot boss and we have all the fixin's for a rip-roaring good time.
What if the Banana is Soft and Mushy?
It's so handy to have Nurse Ann around in the event of an old-timer STD pandemic (or pawndemic... get it?). She's got all the answers: No, your pubic hairs don't get longer when you get old; You should never eat lube; See a doctor immediately; She does not have sex with people over 40. The more you know. So, with brains full of sex knowledge and bags full of produce, Leslie, Ann, Andy, and Donna head down to wherever it is that old people gather for a little Sex Ed 101.
Things seem to be skipping along nicely, albeit uncomfortably, until - cue daunting music - Marcia and Marshall Langman arrive in a flurry of frenetic arm movements and snippy pronouncements to shut Leslie's operation down. ""Old people can't have sex!"" they decry. ""No one can have sex!"" And for once, there is nothing Leslie can do to shut these naysayers down. Because, you see, they have the law on their side. In Pawnee, it is illegal to teach any form of sexual education that is not abstinence-only, says a law buried somewhere next to the ones that bans women from holding paying jobs and Native Americans from having lives. Could this be the end for Leslie's genital health crusade?
His name is Tom Haverford, and he has a problem. After getting in a minor vehicle skirmish with a fire hydrant caused by the dangerous habit of tweeting while driving, a judge has banned Tom from using any and all screened devices for a week. We suspend our disbelief and put aside any thoughts of how it is impossible in today's day and age to get any work done without a computer, and instead chuckle at Tom's attempt to create an analog Pinterest board and paper iPhone.
Ron, however, doesn't find Tom's obsession with electronics as humorous as he does disturbing, so he packs up Tom and heads out to his cabin in the woods for an intervention of sorts. if a weekend of fishin', huntin', and choppin' wood with a mustachioed, flannel-wearing man isn't enough to remind you that there is life outside of the Internet, I don't know what is.
Why Would a Robot Eat Organic Matter?
Back in our nation's capital, we are finally introduced to Congressman David Murray, the mysterious man Ben and April can call their boss. He's handsome, well-groomed, and very tan; but, as April soon discovers, there may be something sinister lurking behind his chiseled facade.
You see, it appears that Congressman Murray is a robot - and I mean that in the most literal sense. As Murray sits at his desk all day staring straight ahead, it seems more and more plausible that he is made up not of flesh and bone, but gears and machine-y things. ""Stay cool... It's a hot one!"" he chimes - but can he even feel the temperature?
It's Not My Favorite Shirt, But it is My Least Favorite Shirt.
Back in the land of promiscuous pensioners, Leslie continues to fight the good fight for condoms for all. After a brief hesitation, that is. As a member of the City Council, Leslie is beginning to let her conviction become overshadowed by government's red tape, and in the process she has let slide issues that she believes in - like free condoms for all. Ann points this out in a way that is not so nice. To even the score, Leslie tells Ann that she loses her personality and wears ugly shirts when she dates boys. The two get mad for approximately two minutes and then hug and make up and Leslie tells Ann she is beautiful and all is right with the world again.
Oh yeah, and somehow Leslie decides to keep handing out condoms even though it's against the law but that's okay because she's Leslie Knope and she can do whatever she wants.
Best line of the night: When you check your email you go to Alta Vista and type ""Please go to Yahoo.com""?